Postpartum Recovery + New Motherhood

Today was my six-week postpartum checkup! It went well, I'm healing great, which is such a blessing since the birth was so hard for me. Someday I'll write more about that, and more specifics about how my recovery has gone, but overall I've had minimal pain since the birth and seem to be on the right track for recovery. I don't feel 100% myself yet, and I'm really glad that I'm not going to be flying to Idaho this weekend like I had originally planned for six weeks post, but things are progressing normally. I have 8 pounds left of pregnancy weight, and I imagine I'll always hold onto some of that, at least while I'm breastfeeding. The doctor said I can resume normal activities, and I'm excited to work back up to running. I think that being able to run and just get out of the house more will really help me emotionally.

Speaking of emotionally, whoa. Being a mom is HARD. I like to think I wasn't completely naive when I got pregnant; I babysat and read parenting stuff, etc., etc., so I was at least cognitively aware of what a baby needed. But in actual experience, the sheer neediness of our baby has been staggering—and he's a completely normal newborn! It occurs to me, however, that my amount of sleep is related to how overwhelmed I feel; Levi had a great night last night and I feel so much better about this mom thing than I did yesterday.

Weirdly enough, I don't think I ever had the "baby blues." In the first couple weeks, I cried once while watching a documentary about rescuing abandoned babies (duh) and once when I thought too much about the circumstances of the birth, but that's pretty much it. I'm really glad about that, while also keeping an eye out for postpartum depression symptoms—PPD is considered a risk for the entire first year. So far the only signs I can identify are feeling overwhelmed and fatigued (double duh) as well as difficulty bonding with the baby.

Bonding with Levi has come in fits and starts. There seems to be very little that's rewarding about caring for him right now, yet everyone keeps saying to "enjoy it." My friends all seem to love being moms and think their babies are the best thing ever, and I feel like I'm missing something here. However, one of my friends says it gets better when they can actually smile in response to what I do, and I also liked when another friend said that doing all these things for him shows that I love him, even if I don't feel it.

Breastfeeding continues to get easier, but the eight-times-a-day thing is really wearying. I didn't realize pre-baby that even if a breastfed baby is given a bottle, the mom still has to pump every so often to avoid engorgement, which is not only painful but can also cause plugged ducts and even mastitis (breast infection). I think Levi eats more often when he and I are home alone because it's the quickest way for me to soothe him. I'm working on finding other ways to calm him and giving him a minute to settle himself before automatically assuming he's hungry. I think that will help both of us not struggle so much with constant feeding. As Levi improves at eating, I hope he'll require less attention during feedings so I can watch TV/read/listen to podcasts while he eats, which would really help me feel less drained (no pun intended). He sleeps pretty good but does have his periods of fussiness which are hard to deal with because, I'm his mom, I'm the expert on Levi—or so they tell me—shouldn't I be able to figure out what he wants? It often seems like he fusses louder when I pick him up, which feels kind of like rejection. But I think as he gets bigger, his crying will seem less like the world is ending (for both of us) and I won't feel so much like he's my responsibility and I better not mess this up!

Me: "I look like a crazy person in this photo." Tygan: "You're a lovely crazy person."

So, what do I need right now? More patience. To be willing to nap whenever the opportunity arises, rather than just when I'm tired. To be more willing to socialize. More time spent outside. For it to stop raining so I can spend more time outside. For my baby to smile at me. For people not to expect too much of me at church or elsewhere.

I think that's pretty much it!

*None of these pictures really have anything to do with anything. But I don't have many photos with me in them and these are dang cute.